Life Lessons at the End of a Significant Chapter

After 26+ years, that’s a wrap folks! But at the end of one of the most significant chapters of my life, I feel like I’m stepping off the gangplank and onto a ship, with a huge family waving from ashore. Bittersweet. Nostalgic.

Someone recently told me that I wasn’t really leaving anyone behind, I was just making room for more friends in the future. This thought brought me peace. (If you were the one who told me that, thank you!) So, this doesn’t mean goodbye, just farewell for now.  

I’ve previously shared my “Life Lessons” under the Altitude Community Law banner. I wanted to close this chapter by adding a few more to the list; reflecting what I’ve learned about myself, about the good people with whom I’ve been blessed to meet and associate, and about how I feel the world works in our not so little HOA microcosm.  Hopefully, these will help in some small way:

1. The Golden Rule No Longer Works.

I’ve learned that the Golden Rule no longer works. The Golden Rule is helpful because it promotes kindness and encourages equality. However, it’s typically expressed as follows: “Treat everyone the way you want to be treated.”  I think today this works better: “Treat everyone the way they want to be treated.”  

Although we are all human beings, we are wired quite differently. And today, our diversity has become prominent. Growing up I remember the clear differences I had with other kids on my block, but they were simply understood without significant emphasis. Nowadays, our differences are no longer the ‘duly noted’ kind but more of the ‘in your face’ variety. Our dissimilarities appear to have grown in both scope and level of opposition.

Because of this, I’ve learned to be more thoughtful in my interactions with others. I’ve placed more priority on being aware of, and responsive to, the various preferences and attitudes of others, whether through communication-style, or anticipation of certain needs, or level of engagement, to name a few. 

I’ve learned that continuing to act like we are the same person, with the same ideals, goals, methods, motivations, etc., didn’t necessarily mean failure, but resulted in a sort of stalemate. The ability to effectively grow a business, or govern a community, or successfully interact with boards, business partners, homeowners, depends in large part on our ability to recognize and consider our differences.

2. Embrace The Cha Cha Slide.

Did you ever experience the most productive year with an association, where you checked all the apparent boxes and exceeded all the requested goals, only to have them leave for a competitor? Or perhaps you were offered that big promotion you’ve been wanting forever, only to find out the position was nothing like you thought it would be, and the excitement slowly turned into disappointment or regret?

In the never-ending desire to move forward, I’ve allowed myself to be stymied by would-be barriers along the way. For every advance, there was often a step back (and sometimes it was a huge step back). For every leap forward, I’d turn the corner and find myself moving endlessly sideways for weeks, months, even years.

I’ve learned three things:

Firstly, your life course will correct itself, but only with thoughtful effort from you. If you continue to do the same thing, the same way, with the same attitude, nothing will change. This may seem obvious, but it’s difficult to escape from the relentless groove if you do not, with calculated intent, make escape a priority.

Secondly, I’ve learned that I was not always supposed to be moving forward. Sometimes, a static vantage point was necessary to recharge my battery and reassess my path. I’ve learned that staying in place does not mean you are losing ground; it may just mean you are getting stronger and taking the time to create your next launch pad.

Finally, I’ve learned to see the pitfalls, mistakes, mud, and hurdles for what they are: opportunities for growth. In hindsight, some were entertaining (maybe not fun, but I definitely had a few laughs along the way!). You can’t truly have the growth without the challenges. And TBH, it’s all just one big Cha Cha Slide to get through this thing called life!

To the right, now
To the left
Take it back now y’all
One hop this time, one hop this time
Right foot, two stomps
Left foot, two stomps
Slide to the left
Slide to the right
Criss cross, criss cross
Cha, cha real smooth.

3. Don’t Meet Nasty With Nasty.

I’ve learned that in the face of nastiness or discord (which, unfortunately, is prevalent in our industry), responding with nastiness or ignoring / avoiding discord, does not work. Whether it be between yourself and an owner, or between board members, or whatever scenario.

Even if you don’t have control over how they behave, you have control over how you react. If you meet nastiness with nastiness, you might feel good for a second, but you often feel worse later. If you ignore discord, you become comfortably numb with horrible engagements and, therefore, ineffective in your role.

In the face of conflict, you have a choice in how you react, and I’ve learned to lead with sensitivity. I’ve practiced listening effectively and I’ve tried as much as possible to respond with sensitivity and to be generous in my understanding (and yes, I know that it is often difficult to do!). This has brought me peace every single time.

4. Assume Good Intent.

I’ve learned to assume good intent and give people the benefit of the doubt. I can’t tell you how important this lesson has been to me. Misunderstandings have been cleared, communication methods altered, relationships strengthened. 

And I know this isn’t easy with certain people. Think about the last time you received an email from a particular homeowner, which completely incensed you. Now, if a different person, perhaps a trusted co-worker, sent the exact same email, would it have produced the same result? If not, why?

Or let’s say you were presenting to your management team, board, partners, etc., and a specific person starts asking you a bunch of questions. Did you feel frustrated and angry? If a different person asked you the same questions, would you simply respond and move on without harsh feelings? If so, why?

For me, the answer is always the same: Because I assumed bad intent from the first person, based on one or more negative experiences with that person. But when I’ve tested such assumptions (i.e., I confronted them), there was always a sincere and sound reason for their behavior, which was never what I assumed.

A better approach is to assume good, or at least something other than bad, intent. Yes, this can sometimes be draining and, if unchecked, could lead to being taken advantage of. But the benefits outweigh the potential detriments. Assuming good intent could improve communication, lead to more open-minded thinking, and ultimately build trust.

5. Grit. 

In my previous blog post Grit and Grace, I discussed the two-step formula I relied on throughout my career: summon the grit; practice the grace. If I didn’t do that regularly, my mental health would have suffered. This last lesson is about grit and how it can help you in your career, regardless of who you are or what you do in the industry.

The number one predictor of success is grit. It’s not necessarily about how smart you are, how talented you are, who’s helping you, your level of courage. It’s about consistency.  It’s about perseverance. It’s about the ability to face obstacles and overcome them, time and time again.

Have you seen the movie “A League of their Own”? One of my favorite lines is from Tom Hanks: “If it wasn’t hard, everyone would do it. It’s the hard that makes it great.”  Grit makes it great.

Think back to your last big win. Maybe you made partner? Obtained a critical promotion? Maybe you got your PCAM? Was the win big because it was easy and quick? No. Most likely it happened after you took small, intentional steps, repeatedly, despite the difficulties and distractions along the way, until you were finally able to scream: “I did it!” The more times you persevere with every little step, the more times grit becomes part of your character.

This is hard stuff, particularly if you’re on the front line, every single day (and I mean you, managers!).  If you adopt an “I will not stop” attitude and habit, this will start to become part of your character.

So how do you develop grit? The short video “How to Develop Grit” by self-development author Brian Tracy provides a simple 4-step formula for building grit. Here’s a summary:

1. Go after your interests. Make sure your goals are aligned with things you’re actually interested in.  You’re much more likely to be motivated and succeed if you want to get to where you’re pushing yourself to go.
   
   
2. Redefine failure.  You will encounter pitfalls along the way, but you need to see them for what they are: lessons and opportunities. One lesson learned from mistakes is that you can now know your obstacles ahead of time.
   
   For example, runners getting ready for a race typically analyze the course in advance. And if elevation is a challenge, they pinpoint the steep grades, so they’re prepared with mental strategies and mental toughness well before they get to the actual grade. They know it’s coming around the corner; they’re getting ready for it; they’re going to do whatever it takes to power on through. Arm yourself with the information and outlook – the grit – you’ll need to master your goal.
   
   
3. Celebrate small victories – treat yourself after the little wins! This not only makes you happy, but it proves that you did it (the little win), and that you’re continuing to do it (for the bigger win), and reminds you that you’re not waiting for “someday” to be happy and feel accomplished.
   
   
4. Focus on the bigger picture. The obstacles you face are temporary. Be clear about your goals but be flexible in your approach to achieving them.

To recap:

1. The Golden Rule no longer works. Treat people the way they want to be treated, which might not be the way you want to be treated.
2. Don’t be stymied by the Cha Cha Slide. Just dance!
3. Lead with sensitivity. Meeting nastiness with nastiness does not work.
4. Assume good intent. The benefits of this approach outweigh the detriments.
5. Grit is great! 

I know that I’m not especially equipped, educated, or qualified to give life lessons. But I am of the age where I’ve experienced bitterness with joy, and sweetness with sorrow, and I can tell you that life is not black and white. There’s more to it than what you see directly in front of you.  I don’t know if my personal life lessons will help, but I hope they at least shed a little light on your path!